Every day, when Tyler comes home, he asks if I have "blogged." I always ask him what he expects me to blog about (since my life is contained in the 1500 square feet of the upstairs of my house) and he says, "Just your thoughts." When I looked at Jeff's blog today, I decided the time had come. Beware... this is going to take a while and will contain some references to female processes. Sorry, but it can't be helped to explain how my life has been unfolding in the past year and a half. I'm not trying to say, "poor me," I've just been reflecting on things and trying to be aware of what the Lord is trying to teach me.
Dec. 2005- The scene is Tuck and Amy Jo's wedding. As I listened to the words, I have an overwhelming feeling that I am supposed to have another baby. As many of you know, even my best pregnancies are filled with vomiting and nausea for the entire 9 months. I just sit and cry. After leaving that day, I tell Tyler I am going to run just one more marathon, then try to get pregnant. His advice... "If you feel like you should have a baby, that's more important than a marathon and you should just do it." My thoughts? A few more months won't hurt. Over the next few months, I begin having this feeling that I have 4 kids. When I get my kids loaded in the van, I have a feeling that I've "left" one of them. I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but when I've heard other people talk about these kinds of feelings- I've thought they were completely crazy.
July 2006- I am fully into my training for the "Top of Utah" marathon. I'm registered, and have the next several months completely mapped out for my training. I have just bought new shoes and have been able to significantly increase my speed and endurance. I start having this nagging pain, but ignore it since it seems pretty normal to be "sore" after 10+ miles. By the end of the month, I can no longer deny that I am in serious trouble. I can barely walk when I get up in the morning and after going back to the running store, I find that the particular shoe I bought is being returned by everyone since it lacks heel support. I find a name for the problem..."plantar faciitis." I am devastated. I have used running to overcome anxiety attacks that plagued me for 20 years. I also use it for stress relief, meditation and prayer.
I decide that since I can't run the marathon, I'll try to get pregnant. Seems easy enough. We've never really had to "try." It just happens.
October 2006- I have a "weird" period. It was late and heavier than usual. I give it a thought, in that it was strange, but don't worry too much. (Now I realize this was probably my first miscarriage and my body didn't completely take care of it... causing another one later.)
December 2006- I go in for an annual exam. I tell her I'm worried because I usually have no problem getting pregnant. She tells me she sees some blood, so not to worry. 18 days after my period, I should come back and have some blood work to see what my hormones are doing.
January 2007- While Tyler is in New York, I realize my period has never come, do a pregnancy test and find I am pregnant. This is a first. Usually I start throwing up about 3 1/2 weeks after my last period and have to wait around for the time to do the test to confirm that is what's wrong with me. I immediately have a bad feeling. I feel sick... but I haven't thrown up. My first scheduled appointment with the mid-wife will be when I am 12 weeks along.
February 2007- I have a little bit of "spotting." I call and request that something be done (even though the nurse tells me, "That's not too abnormal. Every pregnancy is different.") I don't buy it. I've never had a pregnancy that different and although I am getting more and more sick by the day... I feel like something is wrong. I go for a blood test on Monday and a follow-up on Wednesday. I get a phone call on Friday, "The blood work doesn't look good. Either you are farther along than we thought, and your placenta has taken over, or you've had a miscarriage." That night we head for an ultrasound- there is no heartbeat. I have a D&C the next day.
March 2007- I do not have a period. "Everyone is different. Maybe your body is taking longer to heal."
April 2007- No period. "Just wait. You're still within normal range."
May 2007- No period. By this time, I begin to think I'm going crazy. I can't think straight. I send Tyler to 2 appointments on the wrong day. I start having "hot flashes." Something is not right! I consider going to a different doctor, but feel like it is a bad time to switch. I do go to the foot doctor and have steroid/cortisone shots and get inserts. I start to run again- HOORAY!
June 2007- No period. I find that I am becoming a little bitter. I look at people around me and wonder why God deems them as "better parents" than me and start to doubt that I should have another child and think the "feeling" I had was for the baby I miscarried and I should just give up. During this month, however, I start having these "bleeding spells." I bleed like CRAZY for one day and then it stops. Starts again a few days later.
July 2007- Finally have a period. I go in for the blood work. "Your hormones are definitely not where they should be. You are not ovulating. Your thyroid is off a bit." I start hormone therapy.
August 2007- I go running with the kids for soccer and have to stop to throw up. Tyler is in New York again. I find out I'm pregnant. I call the midwife and ask her what to do. "There is a high chance that you will miscarry again. Your hormone levels where just too low. Don't stop taking the hormones. If you don't miscarry, they're the only things helping you hang on to this pregnancy." I don't know whether to be excited or not. I start to feel like I'm holding my breath all the time. The only "comfort"... I'm throwing up all the time.
September 2007- We hear the heartbeat. This is going to work! I have to stop exercising. I don't know if it's the extra hormones I have to take, or what, but I get dizzy and almost pass out several times and decide to stick to Pilates and Yoga (anything that doesn't make me sweat isn't "exercising" to me).
December 2007- I start noticing that I am having contractions. It seems a bit early, but I try not to worry.
January 2007- I start having feelings that I should get everything in order "just in case" I'm not able to do things the way I usually do. I try to start cutting back (okay people that are trying to help me- I really have cut back. This is MUCH less than I usually do). As I make reservations for the kids to go to the Ice Breaker Tournament in St George, I have a strong feeling I won't be going.
And that brings us up to date. Yesterday, Judy told me, "If I were to craft a trial that I knew would be the hardest for you, this would be it." I know that is true. I don't know how to be still. While I can be very patient with an autistic child or even my own children, I don't know how to be patient with myself. I don't know how to just sit and enjoy not having expectations from me and letting other people help me... but I guess that's what I have to learn. And looking at this chronicle... I guess I'm a really poor student.
8 comments:
MY heart goes out to you in all that you have been through in the past year or more. I know what it is like to lose a baby, have a D&C...leave the hospital empty handed...I know what it feels like to have a hard time getting pregnant when it was so effortless before...I know what it is like to be on bedrest with kids...practically impossible. I feel so helpless watching this from afar...I wish I was there to take your kids and cook and whatever! We pray for you, but if there is ANYTHING else we can do, I WANT TO KNOW!1 Really, I don't mean this in a trite way. I can come and take care of things if your sister can't stay, fly your kids out here for a break...seriously, anything!
really really -- thanks so much for sharing, I love to know other people's thoughts and dreams . . . to know we all are not so different. I know I don't really understand. . .but I try. We pray for you and Tucker and your family.
I'm sorry that it has been really tough lately. I know it's hard to let people help you, When you are always the one helping people. Dan has the same problem. I always remind him that it is a blessing to serve others and people want the chance to return the favor. Bed rest is the worst! But take care of yourself your body really needs it. I wish we were closer I would take the kids for you and run errands ect. Good luck, it's almost over!
i've been thinking about you so much, charlotte. i've been there, too. the miscarriage, the d&c, the contractions WAY too early, bedrest, the fear of going to labor & delivery when you're not even close to having that baby. it's so exhausting just thinking back to going through all that. how is oliver doing? do you have somebody there during the day so you can rest? have you been put on real bedrest? is the medication helping?
i have questions. :)
Thanks for sharing. And I know you can do what's hard for you -- find a way to slow down and let this baby be the priority for several more weeks.
Love you,
Charlotte, you know you can call me anytime for anything. Grocery store, Costco run, watching your wonderful children, whatever.
I know it helps to have Tyler back.
Amazing how the same experiences are so different from even slightly different perspectives. I am so glad you decided to share this. I love to be able to hear sometimes what you are thinking.
I can't believe how much we have in common, Charlotte. I think about you almost every day. I keep making plans to come visit/help you but at least one of us has been sick since January! Hopefully I can just send love and prayers your way...thanks for sharing.
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