I'm a lot more sad than I thought I would be. Does that seem like a silly thing to say? In the past, when I heard about people having a miscarriage, I always thought it was sad, kind of like how you feel when you are a child and your kitten runs away (and I apologize for that). I always thought it was TRULY sad when people miscarried late in their pregnancy, but in the first 3 months? It's not a baby... it's a hope, it's a dream, it's a plan. But now, having experienced it... it is SAD.
It is so sad to look at a screen and not see a tiny heartbeat and have the guy talk about every other part of your anatomy... but not the baby. It is so sad to walk into the maternity ward, where you have such wonderful memories of having your last baby, and know that it isn't going to happen this time. It is so sad to wake up and still feel bloated and nauseated and "pregnant," and know that, not only are you not pregnant now... the whole last 7 weeks of feeling yucky were for nothing. And it is so sad to have everyone talk about "next time" when you don't even know if you should plan on a "next time." I really wish I could know the "why" of it all... but the only "good" thing right now is, I'm hugging my three little sillies a lot more these days and wishing they hadn't grown up so fast.
3 comments:
i was shocked at how sad I was, too. it's a very lonely time, i think, because your husband isn't really able to understand. he's not nearly as attached to the baby, to him it IS still just an idea. but for you it's different. i was sad and scared that maybe i wouldn't be capable of being a mom, and there's really not anything anyone can say to make it feel better. i still don't know why ours happened, either. after audrey was born, we were able to joke about it and say that she really wanted to be born in texas, but who knows. the only thing i really learned from it is empathy, and i've had several friends since who've needed just to talk about it, and i'm glad i was there for them. time heals, though, and that's the only comfort i found.
we love you so much and you have been in our thoughts and prayers. hug those sillies for us, too. :)
oh charlotte, you have been in my prayers, too.
I'm so sorry for your loss Charlotte. I am glad that you can find comfort in the beautiful children that you have. You are a fabulous mom and a special person. I'm sorry I don't have any profound advice to give its hard for me to go there. All I found was the comfort of the spirit when I felt my lowest and it strengthened my testimony beyond words. We love you and pray every night for you and your lovely family. Julie
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